The Real Reason

So tonight as Rachel and I escorted Kate to the Airport in Entebbe for her flight home, I questioned myself on whether or not I was ready to leave Jinja, Uganda. I knew the three hour trip was for Kate. I knew that I was 12 days away from my own flight, and that tonight was not meant for me. At the same time however, all the emotions and anxieties of my own departure filled my mind. It caught me off guard, it sat awkwardly before me asking, "What did Rebecca Ferrara bring to the table? What change did Rebecca bring to the women of Suubi? To Uganda? Could you be doing more here? Are you really ready to leave? Is that really all you've got? I thought you were going to accomplish something great with your time spent in Uganda? What happened? ect....Every and any fear that could lead me down a road of guilt, succeeded.
When people that I loved and looked up to gave me advice about my trip to Africa, they all shared one common sentence, " You will learn more from them, then they will learn from you."
At first I did not want to believe. Not because I thought that I had a hand full of wonderful miracles to offer others, but because I wanted to know that my coming to Africa would bring about some change, and not just within myself. I wanted my trip to mean something, for the women to remember me, to have reached a special place in their hearts. I wanted and still want to know that they are able to get something out of my being here. I am not satisfied with myself being the only person that benefits. I do not want to only take wisdom and kindness that the women gave freely home with me, but I yearn for them to have gained something great from me, from Suubi.
So after feeling horrible for about 6 minutes altogether, I decided that meditating in a more positive light was necessary. First, I did not come here to represent myself. When I filled out the volunteer application, I was applying to spend time working with Light Gives Heat (Suubi). I came down here to help out in whatever way possible. Not for myself, not by myself. If anything were to remain with these women of Jinja it is Suubi, and will always be Suubi. So what if my name, my person is forgotten. Suubi is still apart of their lives. There is a friendly face buying a necklace from them every Saturday that cares about them. There have been many faces that have given up time, friends, family, and comfort to represent this CBO. I have accomplished a goal. I cared. I came. I learned. I love/loved these women.
Yes, there are many parts of my heart that want recognition. I would be lying and acting modest if I said that I did not care about appreciation. That is something that I need to defeat though. I have learned to give without giving. It's not about me and how special I am. It's not about my life story, it's not about me. I wrote that twice, I am still convincing myself you see.
My motives are being challenged and my heart corrected every week. It is a struggle that I am so grateful for. Something that I know I will always remember. It may seem easy to not need gratification. But when you travel halfway across the world to "make a change", human expectations lead you to anticipate results from your sacrifice. No? Yes.
Yes, I believe that I have learned many amazing things that I will remember forever. I would never take these three months back. I would not change these beautiful women for one second. I would not make things easier. I would not want to make things harder either ;)
I want exactly what happened and nothing more. If these women love me, then they love me. If they forget my name a week after I leave, yep that sucks, but I hope they remember at least a white girl that brought some of God's light to their eyes who volunteered for Suubi. I hope they noticed some joy always, some sorrow when times were trying, some gratefulness while being welcomed so openly. I hope they noticed Suubi, love, and God during my time spent with them. It would be great if my name stuck in their heads but from now on I am not going to expect that. Its just focusing on the wrong things. And that's not the feeling I want to leave with. I don't want to label my trip as "failure" if they can't remember me. I am so happy for this opportunity. I am so thankful for the support that I have received from everyone at home and here. I am completely okay with the idea of my learning more than them now that the weeks have passed. I am happy that I can have memories to indulge myself in while I am home and reflect on lessons learned. All I want is for them to feel loved, and important. And to me, they all are.